French’s International Copyrighted (in England, her colonies, 
and the United States) Edition of the Works of Best Authors 


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Copy 1 



The Crystal Gazer 


A COMIC SKETCH 


in One Act. 


by 


LEOPOLD MONTAGUE 


COPYRIGHT 1920 BY SAMUEL FRENCH 


PRICE 25 CENTS 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 SOUTHAMPTON ST. 
STRAND 



















The Crystal Gazer 

A COMIC SKETCH 
in One Act. 


by 

LEOPOLD MONTAGUE 


COPYRIGHT 1920 BY SAMUEL FRENCH 


New York 


SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 SOUTHAMPTON ST. 
STRAND 







\ 



4 J & 

V 


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THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


BY 

LEOPOLD MONTAGUE 

Note. —If necessary, the part of the clairvoyante 
can be taken by a gentleman calling himself 
“the Red Magician,” and merely adapting the 
text to suit the change of sex. 

S'CENE.— Drawing-room.* Entrances R. and L. 
Table R.C. Armchair R. of table. Sofa down 
L. On table some unopened letters and a 
glass bowl containing water.. Enter Madame 
La Sorciere, in teagown, R. 


4 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


La S. Now let me see how many letters there 
are this morning. Ah, quite a pile! Good, very 
good! Everybody wants to know the future. Rich 
and poor, they are all the same. No, not quite. 
Tell the future to the poor and you get forty 
forty shillings or a month. Tell it to the rich, 
and you get nothing but the shillings. ( Sits in 
armchair by the table.) That is why I have set 
up as a fashionable soothsayer. It pays well, and 
I may honestly say that I know as much of the 
future—as anybody else. Now let me see who 
want their fortunes told. (Opens a letter — 

reads) “Madam,.I wish to consult you on a matter 
greatly affecting my happiness. I have been in 
the West Indies, where I made the acquaintance 
of a charming young lady.” (Spoken) Ah, a 
woman at the bottom of it as usual. (Reads) “We 
travelled to England on board the same steamer, 
and on the way became engaged.” (Spoken) Of 
course—the usual consequence. (Reads) “She left 
me at Gravesend.” (Spoken) I see—as soon as 
she could get away from him. (Reads) “To join 
her aunt, who had come down to from town to 
meet her,” (Spoken) Oh, only her aunt! (Reads) 
“with the understanding that I was to call unon 
her next dav. Imagine my dismay on finding that 
T had lost the address she gave me.-having written 
it on my cuff, which I inadvertently sent to the 
wash. All efforts to trace her having proved 
futile, Tam now at mv wits’ end. so I come to you.” 
(Spoken) Bear me—how complimentary! (Reads) 
“having*hea,rd of your marvellous powers as a 
clah'voyante. I trust you mav be able to assist me 
and accordingly pronose calling on you at three 
o’clock to-morrow afternoon. I remain. Madam, 
yours faithfully, Kenneth Frazer.” 



THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


5 


Three o’clock this afternoon. H’m, that’s rather 
short notice. I always like plenty of notice. It 
is surprising how much one can tell about a per¬ 
son’s past if one only has time to make a few 
judicious enquiries beforehand. Why I can even 
iell people what they have come to consult me 
about. Yes, without fail—when I have previously 
.found out. Ha, ha, ha! What gulls people are! 
Now there’s the young lady who is to call upon me 
this morning. I know exactly what she wants. 
She has lost her poodle and wants me to find it. 
First I shall describe the poodle. She will think 
that supernatural, but my maid has found out all 
about him from her cook. Then she will want 
to know where he is, and as I have already traced 
him to the Dogs’ Home, the oracle will speak. Ha, 
ha! It may mean a five pound note. ( Bell off L.) 
There she is. (Rises) My maid will show her in 
here where I will keep her waiting a few minutes 
to impress her—and prepare her for my myster¬ 
ious costume and foreign accent. Oh, what a 
deceitful world this is! (Takes up letters and 
Exit R.) 

(Enter Bessie Blank, L.) 

Bess. So this is the room of the mysterious 
Madame La Sorciere! I declare the room makes 
me fee! quite creepy. Yet I don’t see any retorts 
or alembics about. No, not even a stuffed croco¬ 
dile. (Sits on sofa.) I hope—I hope it isn’t under 
the sofa! (Rises, bus.) No, it’s only a stool. (Sees 
bowl on table.) What’s this? Oh, I know. It’s for 
divination. You look into the water and you see 
(bus.) —nothing but the bottom! Well, I hope 
Madame will be able to see Kenneth. Where can 



6 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


he be? What can have become of him? (Sits on 
sofa.) It’s enough to make one cry—just when 
one has got engaged, to go and lose one's lover 
like this! (Weeps.) But I won't give way. Madame 
can tell me where he is—I’m sure she can. They 
say she is simply wonderful. If Kenneth is om 
earth she” see him in the water. 

(Enter Madame La Sorciere, R., wearing magic- 

' ian's robes.) , 

The clairvoyante herself! 

La S. ( with foreign accent) Welcome. Do not 
rise. 

Bess. I have come— 

La S. I know why you have come. 

Bess. No? Really? How wonderful! 

La S. You would have news of your faithful 
companion. Am I not right? 

Bess. Yes, yes. How clever you are! And 
you think he is faithful? 

La S. I know he is. 

Bess. Oh, you have already removed a load 
from my mind! 

La S. But he has been led astray. 

Bess. Astray? Tell me more—more! 

La S. (sitting by her) One moment. For de¬ 
scribing the objects of your thoughts by thought- 
transference or animal magnetism my charge is 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


7 


one guinea. Should you want to know more, there 
is the crystal bowl in which I can invariably see 
and describe what is passing or has recently oc¬ 
curred in any part of the globe. Divination by 
means of crystal bowl, five guineas. I wish to 
avoid any possible misunderstanding. 

Bess. Yes—exactly—but I think I’ll begin with 
the animal magnetism. (Aside) I want to test 
her. 

La S. Certainly, my dear. There is nothing 
to prevent our adopting the more expensive 
methods later on. Your hand, child. (Bus.) Kind¬ 
ly remove your glove. (Bus.) Now think of the 
the lost one. 

Bess. Heigh-ho! 

La S. He is dark. 

Bess. He is. 

La S. With curly hair. 

Bess. Quite right. 

La S. And beautiful brown eyes. 

Bess. Yes-dear fellow! 

La S. Though his ears are perhaps a trifle 
long. 

Bess, (reflectively). Well, perhaps they are. 

La S. He has been recently shaved. 

Bess. Why, of course— 

La S. And was washed last Saturday. 



8 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Bess. Really! 

La S. Ah, you see I know all about him. 

Bess. So^ it seems. 

La S. He once followed you into church. 

Bess,. He did. 

La S. And had to be removed by the pew- 
opener. 

Bess. No, no! 

La S. Yes—because he persisted in getting on 
your lap. 

Bess, {indignantly) I assure you such a thing 
never occurred. 

La S. You must have forgotten it. Animal 
magnetism cannot lie. It tells me he is intelli¬ 
gent and affectionate. 

Bess. There you are right. You have told me 
his virtues — now tell me his faults. - 

La S. Well, he is rather given to over-eating. 

Bess. I’ve never noticed it. 

La S. Yes, he would eat all day long if he had 
the opportunity. 

Bess. How horrid! - 

La S. Then he spends too much of his time in 
the kitchen with the servants. 


Bess. With the servants? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


9 


La S. Yes—he is particularly fond of the cook. 

Bess. Oh, the wretch! Go on! Go on! 

La S. ( Dropping hand.) That is all that I can 
see. I can tell you no more without resorting 
to the crystal globe. ( Crossing R.) If you would 
like me to use it I can tell you why he left home 
and what he is doing at this moment. But as I 
told you, the fee is— 

Bess. Yes, yes—I know. {Aside) Shall I? Can 
I believe what she tells me ? She was only wrong 
in one thing, and all the rest was true. And how 
could she know? How could she describe Ken¬ 
neth, when I never even told her what I came for ? 
Then that cook? Oh, I'd give my last penny to 
find out all about that cook! ( Taking out purse—to 
La S.) Five pounds. (Rises.) 

La S. Guineas, my dear. 

Bess. Of course. (Giving money.) I think 
you will find that is right. 

La S. (R. C.) A thousand thanks. But I may 
say at once that if I am the means of restoring 
your lost darling, I shall expect— 

Bes§. Co on. When I know all, I may not 
want him. 

La S. walks round table, making passes over the 
bowl, then sits on chair by table, gazing into 
bowl. Bess stands L. C. Slow music.) 

La S. Ah, the water turns milky. Now it 
clears, and I see a street. The lamps are lit, so it 


10 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


is evening. A stout woman is walking on the 
side-way. 

Bess. It’s that cook! 

La S. And he is following her. 

Bess. I knew it! 

La S. But see! He in turn is followed by a 
rough-looking man in moleskin breeches. 

Bess. The cook’s young man. 

La S. He lingers at a corner. Oh, he is in 
great danger. The ruffian deftly throws a noose 
round his neck and— 

Bess. Good heavens! A garotter! Go on— 
I can bear it. What do you see? 

La S. I see the interior of a miserably fur¬ 
nished garret. There is a sort of cage, and he 
is within. 

Bess. Oh my poor darling! Yet he lives—he 
lives! 

La S. Yes. Ha! He is tearing out one of 
the bars with his teeth. 

Bess. His teeth! 

La S. The bar gives way. He rushes out of 
the house. He is free. 

Bess. Saved! 

La S. No. He is wandering about the slums. 
He is lost. 

Bess. Lost—lost in London! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


11 


La S. He is haif-starved. His tongue is hang¬ 
ing out. 

Bess. Oh it is too horrible! 

La S. He shivers with the cold. 

Bess. Tell me—how is he dressed? 

La S. Dressed? He has nothing on but his 
collar. 

Bess. Oh! 

La S. In vain he begs to the passers-by for 
a bone. 

Bess. Hard-hearted brutes! 

La S. He sees the remains of a bloater in the 
gutter. 

**- 

Bess. Don’t say he eats it. 

La S. No— he is rolling upon the— 

Bess. The ground! I see. His strength has 
given way. He is dying. 

La S. No. I see the figure of a policeman 
bending over him. 

Bess. Then he is rescued? 

La S. The picture fades and reforms itself. 
I see the interior of a cell. He is chained to the 

wall. 

Bess. What? Arrested for being homeless? 
And this is law—justice? Yet we live in an en¬ 
lightened age! 


12 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


La. S. Next I see him in a van. 

Bess. Black Maria! 

La S. Which conveys him to a building sur¬ 
rounded by a high railing. Ah, I recognize the 
place. I see no more. He must be in that 
building now. 

Bess. Newgate? Hallo way? 

La S. Stop. A scene from the future discloses 
itself. His troubles are at an end. You have 
come to his rescue. The barred gate is thrown 
open and he rushes forth joyfully wagging his 
tail. 

Bess. Wagging his what? 

La S. {rising). Yes—found—safe and sound 
—at the Home for Lost Dogs! 

Bess. What on earth are you talking about? 

La S. Why your poodle dog Zou-Zou. 

\ 

Bess. I don’t understand. I never had a 
poodle dog. 

La S. {Aside). Can I have made a mistake? 
{To Bess.) You are surely the lody who made 
an appointment for eleven this morning? 

Bess. I made no appointment. 

La S. Then what in the world have you come 
about ? 

Bess. You told me you knew. 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


13 


V 


La S. {aside). This is awkward. {Aloud.) 
The fact is I mistook you for another person. If 
you insist on calling on me without making a 
proper appointment, it is no fault of mine if you 
have to put up with a vision intended for some¬ 
body else. 

Bess, That's all very fine, but what about my 
feelings? Here I've been working myself up and 
upsetting my nerves about the adventures of 
some miserable mongrel, thinking all the time it 
was my—my— Oh, it's too bad! 

La S. {pointing to bowl). Perhaps you would 
like me to try again. 

Bess. Certainly not. 

La S. As you please. You have had a very 
good vision and you must make the best of it. 

Bess. I want my money back. 

La S. I make it a rule never to return fees. 

Bess. Then I’ll tell what you are. You are a 
cheat—a trickster—a charlatan! 

La S. Softly, softly! 

Bess. Yes, and I'll show you up. I can do 
it too. My pa’s a magistrate and I’ve an Uncle 
on the County Council. 

La S. {aside). That is serious. 

Bess. If you want to know what I came for— 
I came to ask you for the present address of the 
gentleman to whom I am engaged. I shall find 


14 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


him, never fear, without your assistance, and it 
may interest you to know that he writes for all 
the Society papers. 

La S. {aside). Good gracious! . 

Bess. He’ll advertise your show for you. (At 
door L .) Good morning. ( Goes out). 

La S. She’ll.ruin me! 

Bess. ( re-appearing ). You may perhaps know 
his name. It is Kenneth Fraser. 

La S. Eh? (Aside.) Where have I seen that 
name? I know! (Aloud.) Stop. Stop! 

Bess. What is it now? 

La S. I can find him for you. 

Bess, (sarcastically). Oh yes—following the 
cook or at the Dogs’ Home. 

La S. No. He will be here, in this house, this 
afternoon. See this letter. ( Producing it.) It is 
from the man himself. 

Bess. (L. C. taking letter and reading it.) “A 
matter greatly affecting my happiness—left me at 
Gravesend—lost the address.” Yes, yes, it is 
indeed from my own lost Kenneth! (Kisses 
letter.) 

La S. And you owe his discovery to me. 

Bess. I do, indeed. Pardon my harsh words. 

La S. Say no more about them. I trust that 
in spite of our somewhat unsatisfactory experi- 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


15 


ment, you may yet promise to recommend me to 
your friends. 

Bess. I feel happy enough to promise anything. 

La S. Very good. (To audience.) Madame 
La Sorciere will always do her best to satisfy the 
kind friends who patronize her performance, and 
hopes that those who have witnessed it may not 
consider their money entirely thrown away. 

CURTAIN. 





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